Friday, February 22, 2013

Friday, February 22, 2013
by Aspen Boyd
Looking for a little excitement in your otherwise boring life?  Head to the movie theaters! There, it is too dark to be judged for going out by your lonesome self.  If you really want to feel better about going to the movies by yourself, go see a horror film, like Mama.

Then, when the sarcastic-sick-of-life, can’t-wait-till-my-shift-ends ticket attendant asks, “Just one ticket?” you can reply with the fictitious fact that your girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t like scary movies.  Then, voila, people no longer think you are a sorry loner who goes to matinees on Sunday afternoons.

While you are waiting in line to buy that jumbo sized combo of extra buttery popcorn and a super sized, turn your mouth blue, slushy, consider the benefits of being your companionless self.  For one, instead of paying $12 for your matinee movie for two, you only paid $6. Because you came by yourself. 

 Then, when you order the extra large, extra buttery, extra, extra, extra, popcorn and drink, you don’t have to worry about having to share!  No more constant arguing with yourself in your head, “Should I let her have the popcorn first? Should I let her hold the drink? What if she doesn’t like the flavor coke I got?

 Does she even like popcorn? Of course she likes popcorn you idiot…everyone likes popcorn… Wait, what if she’s one of those health connoisseurs? Oh God, how much popcorn should I eat at once, just one piece, or a handful?”  

The next step in proceeding with your date for one is to carefully consider where you are going to sit in the movie theater.  If you sit in the front, you are going to look like a nube.  If you sit in the middle, prepare to be surrounded by cute couples snuggling up against each other, and other socialite teenagers laughing loudly and obnoxiously at how scared they are, and stating the ever obvious fact that, yes this horror film you paid to see, is in fact, quite horrific.  

 My helpful hint is that you climb your way to the tippy top of the theater and sit right in the middle of the very top row.  This could actually be quite entertaining, now you are ruining the opportunity for many young couples to sneak up there and spend their time sucking face.  Now is the time to remember that jumbo sized popcorn.   

Simply toss one or two at the people in front of you and watch how long it takes before they start to notice the mysterious shower of popcorn.
Well friends, I hope you take into consideration my advice for what to do on your lonely Sunday afternoons.  Remember, being a single pringle has its benefits!


  1. I got a good laugh from this haha

  2. Hahaha I am definitely doing this when I have nothing to do on the weekends. This was a great article!

  3. Finally and article that caters to my needs! I love your humor articles Aspen, keep up the good work!

  4. Aspen, you are a talented writer and really pretty.

  5. 'you sit in the front you look like a nube' has to be my favorite line. I never realized how much money I could save being a loner. Love it! I agree with T Hale.